dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
