I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
