i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
