i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
