I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize