Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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