tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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