I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
i came on her dog
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
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