btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
