My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
