Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
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