whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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