Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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