Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
