Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
