Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
