he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
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