My friends, they love my intelligence
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
