Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
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