and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
So much rum. So many feels.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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