Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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