Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
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