I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
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