At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I'm sobbing to NWA
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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