and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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