I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
