remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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