I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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