Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
