honey bunches of taint.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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