i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Randomize
