i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
