I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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