Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
