I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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