His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
