Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Randomize
