I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
