Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Randomize
