He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
