I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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