did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
