so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
