You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
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