it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
