I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
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