Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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