i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Drake has all the answers
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
