Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize