She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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