dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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