Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
