Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
