so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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