There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
