For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
