At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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