How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
