i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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