You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Randomize
