Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
