I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Randomize
