dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize