Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
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