Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
