Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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