I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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