He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
