I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
