If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
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