It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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