Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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