Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
