a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Randomize
